Things Widowed People Say

Widowhood brings with it a whole field of new experiences and it’s good to know we’re not alone in feeling, thinking and reacting the way we sometimes do. In our grief and inner turmoil, we may not always express ourselves coherently or even be clear in our own minds exactly what it is we’re trying to convey. Additionally, just to add to the general confusion, we may frequently change our mind and swing from one extreme to the other, making it challenging for others to know how best to help us.

These are some of the things widowed people have said about learning to come to terms with and adapt to their new situation. There are no definitive answers because much depends on personal circumstances but the local Citizens Advice Bureau, Age Concern office, local authority social services department, benefits agency, GP or Cruse Bereavement Care are good places to start looking for solutions.

Domestic

I didn’t realise the housework, cooking, shopping, washing and ironing took so long.

I don’t know how to cook.

There’s just too much to do on my own.

I can’t be bothered to cook proper meals just for myself.

I always buy too much when I go shopping and keep throwing stuff away.

I can’t find anyone to come along and do small maintenance jobs in the house.

Personal

I took so much for granted.

I’m for ever changing my mind and don’t really know what I want.

I need to keep talking about him/her but it seems to embarrass other people to do so.

I need to laugh.

Social

I eat out a lot so I don’t have to cook for myself.

I hate eating alone so I try to get someone to come out for a meal with me.

I realise now that our social life revolved around my wife and her friends. Now she’s gone all the social life has gone too.

How can I make new friends?

I couldn’t possibly go to the cinema alone.

It’s six months since my husband/wife died and now I hardly ever see or hear from our friends.

We lived for each other and didn’t need anybody else.

Nobody knows what it’s like until it happens to them.

It’s nice to be invited out but you always end up going back to an empty house.

Being with other couples compounds my own sense of loss.

I don’t drive in the dark.

Holidays

Who can I now go on holiday with?

I don’t want to/can’t go on holiday alone.

Financial

I’ll have to sell the house.

I don’t want to move but I may have to.

My husband always did all the paper work, paid the bills etc.

How do I give Enduring Power of Attorney to my son/daughter

I’m still waiting for probate to be settled and am finding it difficult to manage financially.

Hobbies/Interests

What do I do with our tandem cycle?

How can I dispose of – Koi carp, photographic equipment, tapestry kits, engineering tools, motorbikes, evening dresses etc.

I don’t enjoy listening to music any more.

None of the things I used to do give me pleasure any more.

We always had our own interests so at least I still have those.

Home Alone

My family are so attentive but how can I tell them I need some time alone to grieve?

The days are so long, especially weekends and holidays.

Bank holidays are like two or more Sundays rolled into one.

I hate eating alone.

There doesn’t seem to be any point in getting up in the morning.

I’m terrified of being really ill at home on my own.

I don’t want to be a burden to my family, especially when they’re grieving as well.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.

Sleep Patterns

Thoughts go round and round in my head and prevent me sleeping.

I can’t sleep in our bedroom/double bed anymore.

I have to sleep with the light on.

I sleep badly and am awake for hours in the night.

I save the ironing for the nights when I can’t sleep

Getting up, having a warm drink and walking about a bit help me to go back to sleep.

I always sleep better when there’s someone else in the house.

Memory

I can’t think more than a few days ahead.

My memory is useless.

I have lists everywhere.

I make lists and forget where I put them.

My head is so muddled I can’t think coherently.

Diversions

I wander around the shops for hours rather than be at home alone.

I keep going shopping and end up buying things I don’t really need, then take them all back again.

I’m think I’m becoming a shopaholic.

I never seem to settle, always moving on to something else.

Regrets

I wish I’d said ”………………………” before he/she died!

I wish I’d been a more understanding and supportive son/daughter/friend when my mother/father/friend died.

Future

I can’t imagine ever meeting anyone else.

My children are worried that I’ll marry again.

I don’t know if I should carry on wearing my wedding ring.

I’ve never known anyone other than my husband/wife, we’ve been together since we were …………

Managing widowhood

I dream he/she is back and then I wake up and remember they’ve died. It’s like losing them all over again.

The first anniversaries are the worst.

The second year is worst than the first.

It’s three/four/five etc. years now and I’m still feeling fragile and emotional.

There doesn’t seem to be much out there to help widowed people.

Should I try bereavement counselling?

I suddenly find myself in tears but don’t know why.

Just when I thought I was getting used to it, lots of memories came back and I felt very emotional.

Something triggers a memory and I’m back in the grief of it all.

Some of the things we like to hear

Come for a meal and stay the night so you don’t have to go home in the dark to an empty house.

What can I do that would be most helpful to you.

Would you like me to ask my husband/son to come around to fix ‘the leaky tap’ etc. for you?

Let’s do something together on Sunday.

Shall I come with you for your hospital appointment/medical check-up?

Some of the things we prefer not to hear

How are you?

You’ll get over it.

You’re still young.

You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.

You’ll find somebody else.

Pull yourself together.

You should be getting over it now (usually around the six months stage onwards).

You’ve should get out more.

Why don’t you…………………..!

It’s for the best.